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So you broke up. And after several weeks of exchanging real company to hang out with your delicious friend's hag N daz you decide its time to get out of bed, put your cold play cd away and get on with life. But you find this is easier said than done. Despite your best efforts to put it behind you find yourself leaving your ex voice mails of you singing “need you now” by lady antebellum every night your out past 1 15. So how do you go about putting an end to this embarrassing dilemma? Well here are some basic steps.
1. You’re going to need to surround yourself with friends who are willing to lie to you…you know the kind that love you.
so you get all your friends, you plan a big outing and when everyone shows up and is ready to begin the night you pull one of these :/ that’s a “im kinda of sad face”. This is very important, you don’t want to use one of these L that will just make you look pathetic. You want to give off the impression that your sad inside but still want to go out and have a good time. in response to :/ your friends will ask you what’s wrong and that is what you’ve been waiting for. But be careful, this is a very delicate part of the operation. You need to convey that you’re SLIGHTLY upset about things with your ex. This is tricky because if you say too much you risk getting in an actual conversation about it which would inevitability lead to drunken crying in the fetal position at the end of the night. What you want is something like “ya man in fine, just sucks sometimes you know?” ; which will force your friend to respond with something about how you were too good for her or how she’s a whore. That part varies depending on what kind of friends you have. But ya you get the point. So now that it has been affirmed that you’re the good guy and not the villain in this story you are ready to go out and find yourself a Cinderella or a prince charming.
2. Step two. So depending on what you did at the end of step one you might be worse off than before. This is normal. You may have made out with a frog in hopes that you’d wake up with a prince in the morning…but after the fog in your head clears you find your frog is still… a frog. No worries this is normal. It’s to make sure you don’t go back to your ex. After your night you’re not going to want to explain your actions. So now that you’ve successfully burnt that bridge give yourself a pat on the back. You are now free of any ridiculous notions of reconciliation you can truly move on. This should stop you from making those silly late night voice mails because honestly if your ex picked up what would you say.
3. Step three. Go out on dates. Be on the rebound like a post player on a guard oriented team…it’s the only way you’re gonna get the ball. (ha..) after several weeks of this and many failed attempts to make relationships simply out of similar taste in tv sitcoms you’ll realize you don’t have much to say to each other. After you go through the box set of vampire diaries (or whatever tv show you use to hold your dates together) the conversational topics start to lack.
4. Once you are done with step three. Rebounded and scored put backs you’ll realize a very grime but necessary truth. You can’t date away the memories of your ex. Every date sitting across from you will not say the right things, will not chew the right way or know that you really want them to order something you like so you can eat it because they never finish their food…so it makes sense that they get something you’ll eat right? Obviously that last one only applies to fatties like me. But the point still stands, you are not ready. This honestly should be the first step but it seems as if the other steps are almost always needed to get here. So what now?
5. “Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself places you have never been. Sleep alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked of admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here” I have no clue who wrote that but its awesome. My point in quoting that is to say spend time on yourself, forget about your ex and dating for a while and work on yourself. Learn how to play an instrument. Look up at the sky and realize that all of this cant be a cosmic coincidence…but that’s another topic. And like a set of keys, and most other things in life, you’ll find your closure when you’re done looking for it.
